Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Monday, July 10, 2006
Paradise Squirrel'd
This one time
at Squirrel CAMP
(they call it Squirrel CAMP -
it's really more of a
The
Squirrel CAMP sounds better, though),
Suicidal Squirrel
♫(insert theme music)♫
was having a bad day.
He just wanted to die.
His macaroni art kept coming unglued.
(His pictures pretty much looked like squished squirrels
The ungluing was really more
The CAMP people got mad at him
"What Do You Want to Be"
day
and squirted ketchup on himself
and said he wanted to be the ghost
of a squirrel who had been pecked
…
Either that or a
…
..
.
Ew.
The other squirrels in "group"
every time it was his turn to talk.
His branch-mate snored.
Loudly.
He was pretty sure that
in a very unpleasant place to break
(An unpleasant place even for a squirrel.)
And then to top it all off,
Dr. Squirrel N. Freud kept
"And how does that
And no matter what he answered,
the doctor would just tap his
"Hmmm. Ver-ry ink-teresting."
It was enough to make our SLF
(Never mind that wanting to run
All of the other squirrels
or at least to get him
(Can you blame them?)
And Squirrel CAMP was cheaper
(Squirrels don't do so well
The main reason Squirrel CAMP
It was next to an airport.
For most squirrels, this would have
but for our SLF, this was
great big shiny opportunity.
Disturbing creative thoughts
(well, tried to anyway -
so there's not much rolling room there).
He finally settled on a leap of
As the plane taxied toward him on the
gaining speed with every second,
he would jump,
Matrix-like,
into
It was a good plan.
Very dramatic by squirrel standards.
Shame it didn't work out that way.
He plotted,
and planned,
and schemed,
and drew more diagrams.
And then,
in the night,
he escaped from Squirrel CAMP.
(it wasn't like they locked him in or cared or anything - it just sounded more dramatic that way.)
Oh, and he sent out invitations,
because after all,
there’s just no point in having a dramatic death without an audience
“Oooooohhh”
or
“Eeeewww”
as the case may be.
So,
there was our SLF,
standing up on his back feet in
eyes closed,
arms spread wide,
Suicidal Squirrel Zen.
The plane was moving faster than
He was all ready to jump, when...
OUCH!
The plane tire ran over his tail.
Flat as a pancake.
Again.
But that wasn't the worst of it.
Oh no.
Not by a long shot.
You see,
his flat tail kinda got
Then there was this kind of
and
sky
pavement
sky
pavement
sky
pavement
sky
pavement
sky
and then the pavement was going
And this really didn't seem like
And then the landing gear went up,
taking our SLF with it.
It was dark,
but at least he had time to pick
He had a lot of time.
Most especially by squirrel standards.
Squirrel time is different.
He got bored.
He got lonely.
He got hungry.
Death by starvation
Then the doors opened,
and he fell out on a different runway
It was very bright.
And hot.
Very
hot
pavement.
OUCH!
Squirrels don't like road rash
When he got on the grass,
he looked around.
And there it was.
The epitome of all
.....
....
...
..
.
A volcano.
It was a long way away.
But our SLF had squirrelly
Death awaited him.
Hot lava death.
And all he had to do to reach it
across the beach
under the swaying palm trees
and striped beach umbrellas
and past cool tropical drinks in
And that's when he saw her.
At the edge of the beach.
The tropical she-squirrel
And she winked at him.
And gave him what was a come-hither
(he actually never had,
Anyway,
she took him by the
He just smiled and nodded.
She was a lot smaller than him.
And she wore some weird white
Kinda looked like bones.
Must be those coconut thingies.
He followed her.
She was going toward the volcano anyway.
So at least he’d be that much closer to
the pool-squirrel.
Very tragic.
Poor squirrel-lings.
Turns out,
there was a whole
And they were all little squirrels.
With high pitched little squirrel voices.
And they kept looking at him
Kinda hungry funny like.
They gave him a massage
It was kinda weird.
But they led him up the volcano.
He was so excited.
Witnesses for his
They were almost to the top.
It was pretty warm up there,
but not as bad as he had expected.
Not nearly as bad as he had thought
And shouldn't there be smoke
As they stood on the edge,
looking down into the crater
there was a little bit of steam
a smaller-than-squirrel hole.
There was some smoke,
Just not volcano smoke.
Bonfire smoke.
And there was a big pot.
And the little tropical squirrels
One of them pulled out a blue pen
Only not words.
More like lines.
Like sections.
And our SLF suddenly had a horrifying
That white jewelry
That massage
They were going to eat him!
That's not suicide.
That's cannibalism.
Cannibalistic tropical pygmy squirrels.
Oh yeah.
That wasn't cool.
Not cool at all.
Our greasy SLF
(from the coconut oil)
managed to ooze away from his
He crawled up into one of the
The whole night,
he was certain
But he didn’t.
(The tropical pygmy squirrels
boiled coconuts and all,
but they never could figure out
after they had been so nice to him
TiFi, the tropical she-squirrel,
Luckily, Dexter the pool-squirrel
They married later
Until she left him for
Then he began to plot his escape
The
Cannibalistic Tropical Pygmy Squirrels.
That's just fun to say.
.....
....
...
..
.
TO BE CONTINUED
.
..
...
....
.....
Will our SLF escape?
Or will he become a canape?
Will he make a normal escape via plane?
Or will his idiom demand a more
Will he ever just get it over with
....
...
..
.
I'm just getting started you know.
And these really do disturb me
Maybe more.
After all, I carry them in my head
Not such a pleasant place to be.
It would be better if there were
Or daisies.
Daisies are cute.
And butterflies.
I like butterflies.
But no spiders.
Spiders are icky.
.
..
...
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Part IV: The Birdsquirrel of Alcatraz
Once upon a time
Suicidal Squirrel
♫(insert theme music)♫
was writing a treatise on the implausibility of life as a squirrel
and the difficulties of assuring a truly meaningful life
by accomplishing a truly unusual death,
when a bird flew
and pooped
on his head.
As he looked up,
cursing the fact that birds can do that and that
there's really absolutely nothing that a squirrel can
he noticed another
And the little squirrel
light bulb kinda sorta
flashed inside his brain.
So he climbed the pole
(an easy feat for
our squirrelly little friend)
and struck up a conversation with the bird about
the safety of power lines.
The bird pretty much ignored him.
When he started getting all loud and crazy squirrelly-like,
the little bird just kind of hummed a tune about finding
a happy place and
going to a happy place and being
in a happy place.
And then, in a fit of pique,
our SLF let forth a shrill squirrelly shriek
of fatuous frustration
and leapt from the power line to
splat himself against the cold, hard, unyielding earth.
Unfortunately for him,
squirrels are very lightweight creatures,
and physics just wouldn't let him die so easily.
It still didn't feel very good, though.
OUCH!
His difficulties, however, were espied by a more helpful
(I guess you could call it helpful)
creature.
The owl hooted down at him and hocked up something really nasty
and grey and furry looking and said,
"I say, might I be of service, old chap?"
(It was an English owl, of course.)
Even
suicidal squirrels
♫(theme music)♫
have some instincts,
so our SLF froze exactly where he was
and wet himself.
Owls are scary.
"Oh, come now, sir, I've already had my elevenses today
(as you see there - don't step in that),
and you don't look to be particularly appetizing anyway,
especially not after that little display.
I do, however, have a thought which might be of
some interest to you."
So our SLF clambered back up and listened raptly
as the owl whuffled into his ear.
(Don't ask how he got his ears back after the Winnebago fiasco. That's a truly disturbing tale.)
Then the owl flew away,
and
Suicidal Squirrel
♫(theme music)♫
bent over
took a deep breath
crossed his squirrelly little fingers
opened his squirrelly little mouth
and bit down hard on the power line.
That more than tingled.
Eww
.
Frying squirrel smells nasty.
Frying squirrel doesn't feel so great either.
Frying sqirrel quickly becomes flying frying squirrel.
And for a very
very
very
brief moment,
our little squirrelly pal had sanity.
Electroshock therapy will do that for you.
Then he hit the ground again.
OUCH!
He was very fuzzy now.
And he walked funny.
And there was the smoke.
And that smell.
And the other squirrels looked at him all funny like.
Electroshock therapy will do that for you.
And then he realized that the smoke was from the fire
that was consuming his tail.
AAAIIIIEEEE!!!!
So he ran
(lurched fast really - electroshock therapy will do that for you, too)
to the nearest water source and put himself out.
The birds were very disturbed by this.
So, once he was
out of their birdbath,
they pooped on his head
again.
And the other squirrels looked at him all funny like.
And he muttered
and fumed
(in a really stinky gross sort of way)
and plotted
and schemed
and drew some pretty disturbing diagrams
(imagine Rube Goldberg as a squirrel with a death wish)
....
.....
......
TO BE CONTINUED
......
.....
....
Will our hapless hero achieve his goal?
Will death become our SLF?
Only the Shadow knows
...
....
...
Oh yeah.
You're really sorry you ever said you liked these stories.
This is what comes of humoring people.