A Suicidal Squirrel's Guide to Life

A blog about all sorts of things. And squirrel stories. Sometimes.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Squirrel, the Second

Once upon a time

Suicidal Squirrel

(please insert theme music)

was walking through

the meadow


a new way to attempt

to end the travesty

which he called his life.


from out of nowhere,

he was abducted



Needless to say,

this turn of events

rather shocked

our squirrelly little friend.

And rather put a damper

on his latest plans

for self-immolation.

For while he was suicidal,

he really didn't relish

the idea of being

probed and dissected

by aliens.

He was kind of a chicken

that way.

Or maybe a rodent, as
the case may be.

When he reached the

interior of the alien craft,

he was met

not by a slimy green

slug-like creature

of supreme intelligence

and absolute evil

and a plan of utter

world domination

but by...

An aardvark.


An aardvark.

It said "mmmhpph."

Or at least that's what

it sounded like.

Aardvarks are not

known for being

the most articulate

of creatures.

(It was actually
pontificating on the
feats of astrophysics
that were developed by the
Supreme Beings
in order to power
the spacecraft within
which they were currently
He (or possibly she)
was the tour guide.)

Looking about him

our SLF (Squirrelly Little Friend)

had a blast of illumination.

Aardvarks eat ants!

Therefore, where there is an aardvark,
there must be ants!


in the hope

that the aardvark,

in an orgiastic

ant-eating revelry,

might mistake him for dinner,

Suicidal Squirrel

(theme music)

coated himself in ...


(Don't ask where he was keeping it.)

And then he was coated in ants.


Ants bite.

Biting ants really hurt!

But aardvarks do eat ants.

Even extra-terrestrial tour guide

aardvarks inside UFOs.

Aardvarks don't eat squirrels.

Not even squirrels coated

in honey and ants.

The aardvark sucked off

all the ants

(get your mind out of the gutter!)

and fell asleep all full

and sated.

Our SLF was just

all itchy and puffy.

And sticky.
Very, very sticky.

And still very much alive.

Which was when

the oozing slime

dripped onto his head.


Slime dripping aliens

are scary.

Especially when they

chase you around to

keep dripping slime on you.

And they can fly and you can’t.

And they smell like your mom in the summer.

But the slime made the

itching and puffiness

go away.

Kind of like the green

aloe stuff.

Pretty much exactly like the
green aloe stuff.

And the aliens were


Friendly, helpful, aloe-oozing


Oh great.

They patted him on

his slimy little head

and sent our SLF

on his squirrelly

little way.





for now at least




because if I were

a squirrel,

and slimy aliens

abducted me,

I would probably



shock syndrome.

Or at least really

bad nightmares.

And maybe a talk show.




Oh yeah - this is going to get good.


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