A Suicidal Squirrel's Guide to Life

A blog about all sorts of things. And squirrel stories. Sometimes.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Suicidal Squirrel: An Introduction

Once upon a time...

there was a squirrel.

This squirrel was not

like the other squirrels.

Oh sure, he hunted for

nuts and berries and

girl squirrels and such.

But he found no fulfillment

in this life of searching

and gathering

and leaping from tree to tree

and sometimes falling far to the ground

and often being rejected by the girl squirrels.

And so this poor squirrel

was very stressed

and frantic

and developed manic-depressive obsessive-compulsive tendencies.

And the other squirrels

looked at him all funny like.

Especially on the bad days

when he would bang his head

against a tree trunk

and listen to his brain

rattle in his skull.

Squirrels have very small brains.

And then one day,


Everything became clear to him.

He had a mission

a goal

a reason for being alive.

And that reason was...

to not be alive anymore!!!!

He became ...

Suicidal Squirrel

(Please insert preferred Suicidal Squirrel theme music)

And the other squirrels

looked at him all funny like.

He wasn't very good at being suicidal.

He just never could get it right.

He tried all of the normal things

and a few downright weird ones:

He slit his wrists

(with a spork)

He took bottles of pills

(Vitamin C)

He leapt from tall places

(like chairs)

He went on a hunger strike

(until he found out that nuts count too)

He jumped in front of cars

(stopped ones)

He set himself on fire

(well, he would have, but he only had

one match, & it was windy)

He tried suffocation

(he couldn't hold

his breath long enough, tho)

He tried cancer

(skin cancer - too bad

his fur blocked the evil sun)

And the other squirrels

looked at him all funny like.

The other squirrels called a conclave.

He was starting to be a bad influence

on the little squirrel children.

Too many squirrel mothers were hearing their infant offspring crying out

Good-bye, cruel world!

before they hit themselves in the head with an acorn

or something equally foolish

and non-harmful.

Besides, that squirrel obviously

had some pretty serious issues.

And they just really didn’t

like him all that much.

They enlisted the aid of the eminent

squirrel psychiatrist, Dr. Curly Shell Snail.

After a lot of talking,

and beating,

and dragging,

the Suicidal Squirrel

(theme music again)

met with the doctor.

There was a comfy couch.

That looked nice.

Except that the doctor was sliming on that.


So he sat on the ground.

He tried talking out his issues.

Squirrels talk really fast

so that didn't really take all that long

even though he had a lot of issues,

(He was a middle child, and

he was never sure that his mother paid

much attention to him,

and his father was never there.

He had this girlfriend once who

thought he might be gay.

It really bothered him if

all of his hangers weren’t white.)

and then he waited for the doctor to reply.

And he waited

And he waited

and then he waited a little longer

and then he waited some more

and he thought he saw the doctor's lips start to move

but that was just the sun going down

reflecting on the snail slime

so he waited again

and he was getting really antsy

and then his his stomach started to hurt

and he realized that he had been

waiting for 3 days at least

and he screamed really loud

and ran away

And he still wasn't very good

at being suicidal.

But he was more determined than ever

after his therapy.

But those are a lot of other stories

And luckily for him,

squirrels really don't live very long






unless he succeeds

and then there just wouldn't be much point

unless you're into that kind of thing

and then I might not want to write it

Ok, so I probably still would

but it wouldn't be the same

and I'm quitting now

because this is just rambling

aimless rambling

like skipping through fields of daisies

and poppies

yeah, poppies would be cool






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