Squirrel III: The Unreckoning

Once upon a time

Suicidal Squirrel

♫(insert theme music here)♫

was resting on a tree limb

looking down at the world

and being depressed

by the futility of it all

and pondering an inventive

and hopefully successful

method for ending

the travesty of his

existence.

He happened to hear the distinctive

putt-putt-putt

of an

aging Winnebago

approaching.

And the little squirrel

light bulb kinda sorta

flashed inside his brain.

Death by Winnebago.

A certainty of squishiness.

A squashing of squirreliness.

The little grease spot formerly

known as S. Squirrel, Esq.

And there it was.

Not moving quite so fast as

he had hoped.

Not nearly as fast as he had hoped.

This was gonna hurt.

"Good-bye cruel world!"

he stoically declaimed

as he leapt to

almost-kinda-maybe certain

death.

You can imagine what a squirrel

looks like when it hits

your windshield.

OUCH!

But that's what

windshield wipers are there for.

...

AAAAIIIIIEEEE!!!!!

...

That's what a squirrel

sounds like when you

flick it off your

windshield

with the wipers.

Drat!

Foiled again!

That Winnebago was

moving pretty darn

slow, though.

(ooh - that rhymed!)

So he ran really fast.

Scampered really, but

that sounds so painfully

cheerful for a squirrel

in such a state.

And this time,

he jumped out in front

of the

Winnebago of Doom

And waited.

And waited some more.

And got bored.

And ran around in cirles.

And read War and Peace

because everyone should read

War and Peace before they die.

And it drove over him.

But squirrels

are rather short creatures.

So it just kinda

shaved his ears off.

YEEEEOOOOW!!!!!

That's what a squirrel

sounds like when

you shave it's ears off.

(Don’t ask.)

But squirrels without ears

can't hear all that well,

so to him,

it probably just sounded

more like

yeeeooow...

So he scurried and hurried

in a squirrel-like way

(note the avoidance of scampering)

and got in front of it again.

And this time,

he lay down in the road,

and crossed his little

squirrel fingers,

and squeezed his

little squirrel eyes

tight shut,

and said his little

squirrel prayers,

and kissed his

little squirrel ass

good-bye.

And then it hurt really

really

really

bad.

And he opened his eyes,

and he wasn't a little

squirrel angel.

But his tail was really

flat.

AGH!

That really sucked.

"!@#$&%*!@#$"

You don't even want

that translated.

"Durn fool squirrel!"

he heard the Winnebago

driver yell.

And so he peeled

his flattened out

tail off the road.

And rolled it up

like some sort

of really truly sick

furry grey fruit

rollup.

Like a fruit rollup

would really look

if it were left out

for a really long time

if it were made

out of real fruit

and didn't have more

preservatives than

a mortuary.

Ew.

And then he sorta

limped his earless

self back to the tree

to ponder

for another day.

And when the other

squirrels made fun

of him -

and really how could

they not -

just picture it -

he taped some

nut shells to his head

for ears

and poofed his tail

up again

(but it was never quite the same)

and sulked

a lot

like always.

And no one ever

wondered why he

was

…

Suicidal Squirrel

♫(yep - theme music)♫

ever again.

THE END

well

not really

but that's one of

those warm fuzzy

sort of thoughts

...

...

...

Squirrel, the Second

Once upon a time

Suicidal Squirrel

♫(please insert theme music)♫

was walking through

the meadow

contemplating

a new way to attempt

to end the travesty

which he called his life.

When,

from out of nowhere,

he was abducted

by

aliens.

Needless to say,

this turn of events

rather shocked

our squirrelly little friend.

And rather put a damper

on his latest plans

for self-immolation.

For while he was suicidal,

he really didn't relish

the idea of being

probed and dissected

by aliens.

He was kind of a chicken

that way.

Or maybe a rodent, as
the case may be.

When he reached the

interior of the alien craft,

he was met

not by a slimy green

slug-like creature

of supreme intelligence

and absolute evil

and a plan of utter

world domination

but by...

An aardvark.

Yes.

An aardvark.

It said "mmmhpph."

Or at least that's what

it sounded like.

Aardvarks are not

known for being

the most articulate

of creatures.

(It was actually
pontificating on the
feats of astrophysics
that were developed by the
Supreme Beings
in order to power
the spacecraft within
which they were currently
ensconced.
He (or possibly she)
was the tour guide.)

Looking about him

our SLF (Squirrelly Little Friend)

had a blast of illumination.

Aardvarks eat ants!

Therefore, where there is an aardvark,
there must be ants!

So,

in the hope

that the aardvark,

in an orgiastic

ant-eating revelry,

might mistake him for dinner,

Suicidal Squirrel

♫(theme music)♫

coated himself in ...

HONEY

(Don't ask where he was keeping it.)

And then he was coated in ants.

AAAAAAIIIIIIHHHHH!!!!!

Ants bite.

Biting ants really hurt!

But aardvarks do eat ants.

Even extra-terrestrial tour guide

aardvarks inside UFOs.

Aardvarks don't eat squirrels.

Not even squirrels coated

in honey and ants.

The aardvark sucked off

all the ants

(get your mind out of the gutter!)

and fell asleep all full

and sated.

Our SLF was just

all itchy and puffy.

And sticky.
Very, very sticky.

And still very much alive.

Which was when

the oozing slime

dripped onto his head.

AAAAAAIIIIIHHHHH!!!!!

Slime dripping aliens

are scary.

Especially when they

chase you around to

keep dripping slime on you.

And they can fly and you can’t.

And they smell like your mom in the summer.

But the slime made the

itching and puffiness

go away.

Kind of like the green

aloe stuff.

Pretty much exactly like the
green aloe stuff.

And the aliens were

smiling.

Friendly, helpful, aloe-oozing

aliens.

Oh great.

They patted him on

his slimy little head

and sent our SLF

on his squirrelly

little way.

THE END

...

...

...

for now at least

...

...

...

because if I were

a squirrel,

and slimy aliens

abducted me,

I would probably

have

post-traumatic

shock syndrome.

Or at least really

bad nightmares.

And maybe a talk show.

...

...

...

Oh yeah - this is going to get good.